Toxic levels of testosterone detected in UWS apartment

Three male residents of an Upper West Side apartment were safely evacuated after lethal levels of testosterone were discovered. Emergency personnel responding to complaints of Axe body spray odors found three unresponsive males, all sitting at laptops with headphones on, unshaven, and wearing boxer shorts. A pile of empty Coke Zero cans were found near one, while empty chocolate Nesquik bottles were discovered near another. An ungroomed Spaniel was found in the kitchen near an overturned trash can full of Shake Shack wrappers. "There were multiple mobile phones with dating apps," said a visibly shaken EMS responder, "I've seen MMA locker rooms with less testosterone." The residents were treated and released in time to go water skiing.