Scientists confirm rift in space-time continuum

Scientists have confirmed the first known rift in the space-time continuum, which may have irreversibly altered the fabric of the universe about a year ago. The discovery was made by Dr. Emmett Brown of Hill Valley, California and confirmed by NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory. Though the full effects are not yet known, Brown opined on the possibilities. "Imagine waking up one morning and everything you know is suddenly different: your spouse, your job...Hillary Clinton might not even be President." A local Upper West Side resident downplayed the news. "It makes for good sci-fi, but it's too far-fetched to believe."

Toxic levels of testosterone detected in UWS apartment

Three male residents of an Upper West Side apartment were safely evacuated after lethal levels of testosterone were discovered. Emergency personnel responding to complaints of Axe body spray odors found three unresponsive males, all sitting at laptops with headphones on, unshaven, and wearing boxer shorts. A pile of empty Coke Zero cans were found near one, while empty chocolate Nesquik bottles were discovered near another. An ungroomed Spaniel was found in the kitchen near an overturned trash can full of Shake Shack wrappers. "There were multiple mobile phones with dating apps," said a visibly shaken EMS responder, "I've seen MMA locker rooms with less testosterone." The residents were treated and released in time to go water skiing.

Middle-aged man sings along to 10 consecutive songs on oldies station

A local resident wowed family members recently by reciting the complete lyrics to ten consecutive songs on the oldies station, shattering his previous mark of nine. The self-described "child of the '80s" was listening to his favorite radio station while driving to a waterpark with his sons when he began singing along to "Uptown Girl." That was followed by "I'll Be Watching You," "Double Vision," and "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." By the time "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" ended ninety minutes later, everyone in the car knew they had witnessed history. "My kids think it's the end of the world as we know it," said the unnamed man, "but I feel fine."